The In-Betweens

I feel like I have written this post before...maybe because I have been in this place before. Isn't it funny how life seems to bring you in and out of different songs with the same rhythm? 

In my 43 years of experience, life has been a series of transitions. These are the in-between spaces in life where you know something is ending (but it hasn't yet ended) and another thing is beginning (but it hasn't yet begun). These are probably the most difficult times, and in many cases they are the most rewarding. 

Transitions are necessary to connect the past to the present to the future. 

There is a certain urgency to the transitional spaces. They are meant for you...but they aren't meant to keep you. Like a hallway or a waiting room...you are meant to be there, but you aren't meant to stay there. 

Transitions are the way life events connect together. The beginning and ending of moments would be harsh and painful without the ease of a transition. Cold turkey is just that...it's cold. I have learned to embrace the in-betweens and even enjoy them...although that wasn't always the case. 

For a girl who spent the majority of her life compartmentalizing everything, it has been quite the challenge to accept that those compartments eventually run together. Old me used to have work life, and night life, and church life, and family life, and everything fit neatly in its own little room. I didn't agree to any event or situation where those spaces would connect.

I was in total control. I was safe.

Picture all of those rooms around me in a circle with one door in and out. Every door faced me in the center, and nothing connected. I was the center. I was the gate keeper. I was in control. 

Therefore, I was safe. 

But...there was a problem. I was a different person in each one of those environments. I put on the clothes that fit the situation. I put on the opinions and the personality traits of the person who fit the room before I walked in to the space. In an effort to protect myself...I had lost myself. Or maybe myself never actually developed...because I developed this behavior as a child.

If you thought you knew me then, you didn't...you only knew the part I played for the room...but it wasn't malicious or devious...because I didn't even know myself. 

I didn't even have a self.

The girl in the center of the room was empty...she was just a shell. Step into a room...any room...and she came alive but only in the confines of that space and set of expectations. On her own...she was nothing and she was lonely. 

It was at the loneliest point of my life that God pierced through the darkness with a painless pinprick of life giving light. Through journaling and scripture, I began a dialogue with the God that I always knew was there, but willfully ignored for the majority of my life. He was the silent observer in every situation. He was a patient presence in my life, and in the emptiest moment of my life He was still there whispering to my heart...I know who you are. 

Fast forward twenty years and you see a different person. I am no longer trapped. I am no longer alone. And...maybe, most importantly, I am no longer the center. 

It took a lot of work to break through the walls I had constructed. I thought those boundaries would keep me safe, but I learned that the wrong kind of boundaries can hurt just as much as not having any. 

Now...I welcome the transitions. I can look back and see the way God has used them in my past, and that gives me confidence in His ability to do the same for my future. So if you are in a place in your life where something is ending, but hasn't ended, and something is beginning, but hasn't begun...I encourage you to open yourself up to the guidance of God's word, and choose to trust in His ability. 

He won't fail. He won't.