Some times we have to step back and take a look at ourselves. The new year provides an excellent opportunity to survey yourself, your goals, your priorities and your heart's desires.
For the past few weeks I have been trying to pin down my uneasiness. I couldn't tell what was driving my comfort out. It has been hard to be alone, hard to be with God, and hard to be in the group. I have just been sort of... well out of place.
I have been in Honduras for 7 weeks now. The newness is wearing off and I am feeling more and more like I live here. I am so glad for this transition...I have been waiting for it. It is weird to be in a place knowing that you are here for a long time, but not really being adjusted to the idea yet.
At first I thought that my "out-of-place-ness" was a product of being caught between two places. So I was glad to finally take root, but then the feeling stayed with me. Almost like it was hovering around...never really leaving me but never really landing on me either.
So I went back to the drawing board.
Time to do a heart check...find out what is in me that shouldn't be. I firmly believe I am where God wants me to be, so feeling like I am out of place means that there is something in me that is out of place. Make sense? These conversations with myself are usually not very fun. No one likes to dig in and expose an area of their hearts that likes living in darkness, but it is necessary.
I have been singing this song for days...even in my sleep...I wake up and it is in my head and I just can't shake it. There is a part that goes like this:
My hands are shaking from carrying this torch,
From carrying this torch for you.
It is a love song...no doubt. With catchy guitar riffs and a great melody, so it has stayed with me. I hum it, sing it, and listen to it on my computer. Tonight I realized something...God is the one carrying the torch.
It hit me like a ton of bricks. He is the one that has been following me around. Our God is such a gentelman...He has just been waiting.
How long have I been unknowingly pushing Him away? How long have His hands been shaking? How long has he been standing behind me waiting for me to engage in conversation? How long as He been looking at my back?
How long have I been choosing to work, to clean, to email, to post pictures, or to sleep rather than acknowledging His presence? This is a hard one to admit, but it is necessary. I haven't been in the Word. My prayer life has become casual conversation. My time with God has become business as usual.
So with new humility, and a realization that I have been keeping Him waiting...I am asking for forgiveness. I am asking the Lord to forgive my busyness and renew a right spirit within me.
I have been apathetic to the very person I have been searching for, isn't that ironic?
Tonight, I am taking the torch from Him. I am asking Him to light a fire within me, again, and my prayer for 2009 is that I will be consumed with Him.