November 14, 2010 was my 2 year anniversary of living and working in Honduras. I didn't realize that it had past until today...December 8, 2010. Not that it is really a big deal, or that I would have thrown myself a party or something, but I think that missing it is an indicator of the business of my life. I missed a couple of my friend's birthdays, and my dad's...life is a little out of control.
I am not sure what is going on. Everything seems to be in the air above my head, just out of reach, and then WHAM, one of them comes crashing down and that is the one I rush to work on. What is happening to me? There is no focus, there is no planning...it is all damage control.
I think there is some unspoken pressure for me to perform. I am "fresh" and "new" to the mission field, so I feel like I am supposed to work harder and longer than anyone else. I'll be honest, this pressure doesn't come from anyone but me. I keep asking myself, "Why am I so tired?" Maybe it is because I have been running non-stop for 3 years. I have got to find some sort of order before this whole thing comes tumbling down.
So for the next how ever long it takes, I am going to be focusing on not burning out. If I go down, I am no good to anyone. I can't hold myself to some unachievable standard, and then get upset when it doesn't work out. I crave encouragement from people, approval and verbal affirmation - but that shouldn't be what drives me. I think I need to realign. I have got to find some margin - that space between you and the end of the rope. I can't keep going all the way to the end of my limits, over and over again, and expect not to burn out.
If you are praying, pray for clarity, for God to show me what is driving me to perform. This isn't going to be easy, but I don't think I am alone in this struggle. Maybe we can walk this road to discovery together.