I haven't written on the blog a while, but that is not because I
haven't been writing in my head. Do you ever do that...answer an email
in your head, and then forget to actually answer it in real life.
Apparently, I do that with blogging as well.
I
have been writing a lot in my head, and in my heart. There is a lot to
write about when everything in your life will change. One of the
most difficult parts about this kind of change is that is doesn't happen
now, it happens later...but is still happens now, because you can't help but think about the later.
For those of you who don't know what all of this change talk is
about, 2015 marks the end of the 5 year commitment I made to help
Healing Hands Global and the Williams Family carry out the
vision to bring health, hope and healing to people of the Third World.
It's not like that number was ever really set in stone, you see when I
was praying about staying on after my internship back in 2008 I felt God
leading me to help the Williams with the creation of a transferable
model - a system - that could be used as a guide for starting other
rural medical facilities in developing nations. I knew it was going to
take a long time, and I felt like 3-5 years would be enough. Then I thought, it's the mission field and everything takes longer, let's go with 5 years.
See
the thing about that is...at some point the model would be finished -
not in a fine tuned sense, because that always needs to happen. But in a
general sense I would at some point work myself out of a job. The
things that one person managed haphazardly would be managed by more
people with excellence because the system would be in place to keep
things true to the vision.
But the other thing about that
is...that I never really thought it would happen. OK, hold on...don't
run off on me yet. I always had faith that the model would come
together, I just never thought that I would leave it. I didn't think
that I would have to turn it over. Maybe it is like dropping your kid
off at daycare for the first time - it's hard, but then you realize that
they are learning things, and that (heaven forbid) they actually like
being away from you for a while, and it gets better. But honestly...who
likes daycare? Wouldn't you rather stay home? Wouldn't I rather stay on
the mission field? In my comfort zone? In my routine?
But
as 2014 approached there was something different in my spirit. A sense
of change approaching. I thought it would go away, but it didn't. And
then I remembered this feeling, the restlessness, the itchiness for
more...the same thing I felt before God led me to leave my job and start
the Elevate Internship in 2007. The long ago feeling that began the
first chapter of this missions adventure.
But wait.
I am already on the mission field.
I can't feel like that again.
Can I?
Prayer.
Fasting. Prayer. Then I finally had the courage to talk to Mark about
it, and it turns out he was feeling the same thing and was also praying
about it.
More prayer - together. Then we pulled together enough courage to talk to Dr. Martin and Wendy about our feelings.
Lord help us, can you be calling us away?
I said I would never be a missionary.
Then I said I would never go back.
I am noticing a pattern.
Then
we were traveling in the states. Still seeking, asking our HPC
leadership for prayer, every day asking God for clarity, and then not
wanting to hear what he was saying. Return.
Confirmation
after confirmation finally led to submission. Humility. It is not about
what we want, it is about what He wants. It has always been about what
He wants.
But still my heart is breaking, the sadness is
overwhelming at times. Fear threatens to over take - what will people
think? Then I remember...these are all of the feelings that came after
the call into ministry. These are the thoughts and feelings I battled
when I stepped out of the boat in faith and walked on the waters of
uncertainty.
The devil's strategy hasn't changed: divert
attention from God's will, muddy the waters with emotion, decrease
visibility with obstacles. Oh, how much I have learned from Peter.
I do not know what the future holds, but I do know who holds our future.
So as the waves of emotion roll over me I cling to the only Rock that is steady. I stand on the only Unchanging thing. I hold fast to our Strong Tower, and believe.
