Feb 15, 2014

Change Talk

I haven't written on the blog a while, but that is not because I haven't been writing in my head. Do you ever do that...answer an email in your head, and then forget to actually answer it in real life.

Apparently, I do that with blogging as well.

I have been writing a lot in my head, and in my heart. There is a lot to write about when everything in your life will change. One of the most difficult parts about this kind of change is that is doesn't happen now, it happens later...but is still happens now, because you can't help but think about the later.

For those of you who don't know what all of this change talk is about, 2015 marks the end of the 5 year commitment I made to help Healing Hands Global and the Williams Family carry out the vision to bring health, hope and healing to people of the Third World. It's not like that number was ever really set in stone, you see when I was praying about staying on after my internship back in 2008 I felt God leading me to help the Williams with the creation of a transferable model - a system - that could be used as a guide for starting other rural medical facilities in developing nations. I knew it was going to take a long time, and I felt like 3-5 years would be enough. Then I thought, it's the mission field and everything takes longer, let's go with 5 years.

See the thing about that is...at some point the model would be finished - not in a fine tuned sense, because that always needs to happen. But in a general sense I would at some point work myself out of a job. The things that one person managed haphazardly would be managed by more people with excellence because the system would be in place to keep things true to the vision.

But the other thing about that is...that I never really thought it would happen. OK, hold on...don't run off on me yet. I always had faith that the model would come together, I just never thought that I would leave it. I didn't think that I would have to turn it over. Maybe it is like dropping your kid off at daycare for the first time - it's hard, but then you realize that they are learning things, and that (heaven forbid) they actually like being away from you for a while, and it gets better. But honestly...who likes daycare? Wouldn't you rather stay home? Wouldn't I rather stay on the mission field? In my comfort zone? In my routine? 

But as 2014 approached there was something different in my spirit. A sense of change approaching. I thought it would go away, but it didn't. And then I remembered this feeling, the restlessness, the itchiness for more...the same thing I felt before God led me to leave my job and start the Elevate Internship in 2007. The long ago feeling that began the first chapter of this missions adventure.

But wait. 
I am already on the mission field. 
I can't feel like that again.
Can I?

Prayer. Fasting. Prayer. Then I finally had the courage to talk to Mark about it, and it turns out he was feeling the same thing and was also praying about it.

More prayer - together. Then we pulled together enough courage to talk to Dr. Martin and Wendy about our feelings.

Lord help us, can you be calling us away? 

I said I would never be a missionary.
Then I said I would never go back.
I am noticing a pattern.

Then we were traveling in the states. Still seeking, asking our HPC leadership for prayer, every day asking God for clarity, and then not wanting to hear what he was saying.  Return.

Confirmation after confirmation finally led to submission. Humility. It is not about what we want, it is about what He wants. It has always been about what He wants.

But still my heart is breaking, the sadness is overwhelming at times. Fear threatens to over take - what will people think? Then I remember...these are all of the feelings that came after the call into ministry. These are the thoughts and feelings I battled when I stepped out of the boat in faith and walked on the waters of uncertainty.

The devil's strategy hasn't changed: divert attention from God's will, muddy the waters with emotion, decrease visibility with obstacles. Oh, how much I have learned from Peter.

I do not know what the future holds, but I do know who holds our future.

So as the waves of emotion roll over me I cling to the only Rock that is steady. I stand on the only Unchanging thing. I hold fast to our Strong Tower, and believe.

No comments: