For starters...the HPC roof crew landed safely in New Orleans early this morning. I miss them already...but it is different from last time. I was expecting a sense of loss...a feeling of emptiness like I felt back in May, after the Medical/CFC/HPSM trip was over. I was not myself for awhile, I was torn.
This time, however, I am so hopeful. Maybe it is because my friends, Tabitha and Mary Beth, are coming to visit in a week. Maybe it is because I will be Stateside in less than a month. There are a lot of maybes...but just maybe... I am adjusting.
It takes so long to adjust to living here, to missions, to a different culture, to a new life, to new friends, to a different everything....and now...I will have to adjust to returning.
I won't lie. There is a bit of anxiety buried deep down in my heart... a bit of worry creeping up like bile in the back of my throat...what will it be like when I return. Will people remember me? Will people care about what I have been doing? Will they even notice that I have been gone? How will I find the finances to return?
There are so many questions, so many feelings...so many lies the enemy is trying to feed me. That is where the Word comes in...it washes my heart, soothes my mind and gives me the strength to stand in the face of adversity. I feel so small sometimes...like I am standing in the middle of a wide open space with the icy rain beating down and the wind whipping my face, but as I cling to the Word, my God gives me the strength to press into the wind and push forward along the path He has for me.
So many times I hear Martin pray to God, saying "make it easy for us to follow you" and I never understood what that meant. For me it is not easy...I often feel like I am holding on the the last bit of strength I have or the last bit of hope. But yesterday the Lord spoke the meaning of that to my heart. He said....It is not that the way should be easy but that the path should be clear.
Oh God, make my path clear...I don't care how many mountains I have to scale, or how many times I fall, or how lonely I am, or how many tears fall from my eyes...if I can see you...if I can see that the path in front of me is lit by your lamp I will follow. I will bear down, I will hold on, I will cling to your Spirit and I will follow you.
So you see...I have hope. My hope is in Him and He is everywhere. I am not sad this time. I am not empty, in fact I am so full I could burst! There is a little concern...a little worry but that is being kept in check. I am back to savoring...I want soak up every minute here. I want to taste it, to smell it and to breathe it in...so that I will be sustained while I am away.
God, make it easy for me to follow you.