Jan 20, 2010

Faith in the Dark

Through all of this fasting somehow I feel a bit farther away from God. How is that possible? I thought sacrifice and quieting the voices around you was supposed to allow for a greater intimacy with Him. I thought there was supposed to miraculously be more time to be in His presence, but I am finding that it is quite the opposite.

Not that I thought it would be easy...I just thought it would be different.

It seems that there is something robbing my time from me. I feel like I have to do everything in a hurry. Why is that? Have I not slowed down from the crazy Stateside pace of life? I mean...I even cook my dinner in a hurry, so I can wash the dishes in a hurry, so I can take a shower in a hurry, and on and on it goes.

So, just now I clicked the icon on my browser that says "Streams." It is my shortcut to the internet version of Streams in the Desert. Honestly...I have not been clicking it very often. I read the entry for January 20th (I still can't believe it is almost February!). The devotion was about sacrifice, and it used Abraham's sacrifice of Isaac as an example of God's economics. Abraham gave up his only hope of a name for his family, and in return God gave him descendants numbering greater than the stars in the sky...with one of them being Jesus Christ.

Why, then, is there fear in my heart? Why is there doubt? There is a seed of distrust in my soul...a small voice that says "if you don't make it happen...it never will." There is a voice that tells me I have to strive, that I have to work, that I have to force, that I have to take back the things I gave to God a long time ago...but I know that is not who I am. So, I am taking a stand. No more will I allow that doubt in my life. It seems that my orphan heart is trying to return with all his friends, and I just stopped him at the door.

We can trust God...even in the dark. We can trust Him, even when the mist is so thick that we can't see the ground in front of us. We can just walk out in faith that God is there. I know that He loves me, and I will trust Him always. With questions unanswered and dreams tucked away in my heart...I will have faith, even in the dark.


Anonymous said...

Thank you for the honesty and self-reflection contained within each of your diary entries. God is indeed working in you and through you to grow you spiritually as you do His labor in Honduras. Whatsoever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the lord Jesus (Col 3:17). You and the entire HHG team are in my prayers.

Heather Stewart said...

Thank you for your encouragement. Sometimes a kind word from a friend, is all you need to pick your head up, and continue to walk out this thing called life.

Thank you for the scripture, and for the prayers. I may never be able to express what they mean to me. Please keep reading, and keep commenting. :)